Not A Beginning

Coming home from abroad has been probably one of the biggest transitions of my life, I’d love to just blame culture shock but I think that would be quite an understatement. Traveling and living abroad opened my mind and exposed me to all kinds of new things and I know it has changed me. I feel different, but I’ve been having a really hard time putting my finger on what has changed. I think the effects of the last semester will start to show with time. I was less prepared for how different home would feel, I was so ready to be back in the Colorado sunshine and spend time with Belle and my mom.

Being back with them and laying out in the sun was just as great as I had hoped. However, after driving home, listening to a throwback weekend on 93.3 I felt like I had some how gotten sucked back into the past. It was like I was in high school again and nothing the past three years had happened, and the feeling started to eat away at me.

I also know I wasn’t helping myself by coming back to America without a plan for the summer. I had applied for a couple internships all over the place but nothing had really shown promise or else wasn’t a good fit. I still had a couple more options to pursue, but my heart wasn’t really in the search anymore. I keep thinking over and over that this is my last summer as a student—do I really want to spend it in an office staring at a computer?

The more I thought about the summer ahead, the more I freaked out. Internships in my major are very common and most of my classmates had secured some pretty solid ones. It’s so hard not to compare yourself with others, and I just kept thinking about how much I sucked for not having one lined up, how behind I’m going to be in Comm Design and that I was generally wasting my life. No one was giving me a hard time, my parents weren’t riding my ass like some would and everyone else just wanted to know what I was doing after graduation. (I still don’t have an answer to that.) After about a week of drifting through my life with out any direction for the near future, I knew I had to make a plan otherwise I’d spend the summer beating myself up day after day.

So I came up with a plan and I finally starting to feel confident enough to share it.

I am heading back to Syracuse for the summer to work at Lotus Life Yoga Center. This wonderful studio was where I received my yoga certification and with my frequent travels has become what I consider my ‘home studio.’ It took me a little while to accept this game change, I didn’t have some big name internship to share with family, friends and professors. The only big news I have to share is that I’m working at a yoga studio.

I haven’t given my yoga practice the respect it deserves. It has fallen down on my list of priorities recently—behind school, work, travel, friends and relationships. Even though each of these deserves space in my life I am better at all of them, a better person in general, if I am committed to my yoga practice. Yoga has helped me though so much, and I am so proud of how far I have come since I started. However, I feel like I have been half embracing, half suppressing the yogi in me—partially because I always felt like my yoga life was separate from everything else going on.  Partially because I never wanted to be one of those yoga girls, my practice is not about the pictures or likes but has been a deep personal journey for me that’s still not over.

Now I am choosing to give my practice the respect it deserves.

I am proud to say I am not only working at a yoga studio, but also pursuing all that yoga has opened my mind to. I feel so fortunate that I have the opportunity to devote my time and energy on this passion of mine, and have the support of my friends and family.

Although I still get nervous that I am wasting my summer and am screwing myself over for my senior year, I am so excited to be doing what I love. I know I may not be following the suggested route, but I am really genuinely happy with the path I am creating for myself. It has taken a lot of thinking, meditating and manifesting to reach this point, but I am ready to take my journey even further. I want to create the life I dream of and I know it’s possible. It may not be easy but I will get there.

As part of my summer/life plan, I will be sharing my journey on here, with anyone that cares to read. I have been hesitant to share my personal feelings and opinions on my blog, it’s never been my thing to broadcast my life on social media. However, blogs have proved invaluable to me in my travels and have led me to realize we aren’t so alone in our struggles, dreams and journeys. So my hope with maintaining this site is to provide information and inspiration, as well as capturing the reality of my journey. I suppose you could call it a lifestyle blog—it is my life though I’m not sure how stylish it will be— but it’s really just me sharing the things that I am passionate about.

Earlier this week, I went to a yoga class and brunch with my beautiful friend, Elle, who I met at Wanderlust Yoga Festival in Snowmass last year. Elle has been such an inspiration to me and I was dying to meet up face-to-face to tell her how remarkable she is. Her positivity is infectious and meeting with her made me feel better than I think even she realized. I also (finally) found a mala that called to me, made by Featherlings aka Elle, that has now become one of my most prized possessions.

My mantra that I have been using recently has been I am powerful. I’ve had a hard time convincing myself that I am powerful recently. But after hearing how Elle is perusing her passions and personally feeling how powerful her presence is, I know I am just as capable of impacting others as her. My mala has become a physical reminder of this power and I am trying to charge it with my strength while I incorporate it into my practice. I hope that I can use my mala to guide and anchor my practice in these upcoming weeks, but also to remind me of all the beauty that already exists in my life.

Thank you for making it to the end of this lengthy post, continue to follow along if you want, chime in if you feel like it and take away what you need. All I ask is that my little slice of the endless internet stays as positive as possible. I’m only human, I am a far cry from being perfect, and I am making this all up as I go. But I am powerful and I have a plan, and nothing will stop me from creating the life I dream of.

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